Flowers Are Not the Answer

Ron Karpinski  1999

 

Theories abound on how to win a woman's heart.  An honest man, when pressed on the issue, will admit to a state of hopeless confusion.  Ask any woman on the street, though, and she will offer a simple solution: send flowers.

Women are all disciples of Flora, goddess of flowers.  Only they are born with a taste for the nectar.  Watch a woman, as she inhales the refined redolence of a rose in bloom: she sighs, her eyes drift shut, and her heart lifts heavenward.

All this is lost on a man, for flowers only make men sneeze.  In fact, most men, when faced with the task of buying their lady friend a gift, would rather opt for something useful, like a waffle iron; but flowers are what they want.

Florists encourage the sale of flowers though sneaky ad campaigns.  Those always include some handsome beau handing his love a bouquet that fills her face with a warm glow.  Women at home see these ads, and they want to glow, too.

On the flip side, every average Joe wants to act the dark and handsome beau.  When smitten, that is to say after the first date, he longs to tell her how he feels but finds himself at a loss for words.  So he sends a huge spray of flowers the next day.

This suave approach is will keep the fires hot, for a while at least.  She is bound to blush and giggle and gush with thanks, and he will get a second date.  Encouraged by this turn of events, Romeo resolves to send more flowers.

Ah, men, how naive they are.  Send too many posies, and any woman will become jaded.  After a month or so, with marigolds in every room of the house, the novelty wears thin, and she stops mentioning what the florist delivered that day.

This presents a dilemma.  Should a gentleman ask a lady if the flowers arrived or not?  If he does inquire, she may accuse him of fishing for a compliment; but, if he doesn't ask, he might never find out what happened to his fifty dollars.

No matter what action he takes, it is wrong.  Give a lady too little, and she will think he doesn't care; give her too much, and she will grow bored with the chase.  Most men tend to err on the side of excess, thus smothering a good romance.

Released back to the wild, the male of the species reflects upon this recent foray into the fuzzy realm of romance.  Yes, women do want flowers, but they also demand variety in their love lives.  The seeming paradox leaves him befuddled.

Flowers, it seems, do not pave the way to a woman's heart, after all, and a man would be well advised to spend his hard-earned cash elsewhere.  Imagine, if he invested in the stock market, instead.  Why, a man could be rich in no time.

 

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